I haven't shared much publicly about the recent chapters of my story. Even as I write this, I'm still guarded in what I feel comfortable sharing. But with the announcement of the Ottomatic Joy Foundation, the Our Story section of the website about my health is the last six years condensed into four paragraphs. I actually spent days finally getting everything documented and it was eight pages... and even that version was watered down. I learned a long time ago that everyone is dealing with something. Maybe some of these chapters, as I continue to share a little more, will help someone not feel so alone.

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We've all said it or have heard the saying, but did you die?! I know the saying is intended as a joke, but I almost bought the t-shirt because the saying for me is real. Been there, done that, do not recommend, zero stars. I was so sick that I didn't even know how sick I was. And there are things I don't remember. I think that's your minds way of protecting you from certain traumatic things. But when I was coherent enough I could see it on the faces of my doctors, ICU nurses, and my husband. When the machines are beeping, you're all alone, and the room feels dark and you wonder if this is where your story ends. I remember that feeling. I remember the fear. I remember the way time slowed down. I remember feeling so damn defeated. Seriously, what in the actually hell is going on? This can't be it?

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I don’t think survival is just a physical thing. Sometimes it's spiritual. Sometimes it's emotional. Sometimes it's a quiet whisper inside you that says you're not finished yet. I felt that whisper. I held onto it, because I knew God had me... even though I didn't understand any of it and felt so alone. But every time I went into surgery I asked Him to wake me up, because I wasn't done yet. I had things to do.

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These experiences change you. How could it not? It strips away the noise. It shows you what matters. It makes you pay attention to the small things you used to rush past. It makes you grateful in ways that are hard to explain. It shows how brave you really are. It makes you understand suffering in a way that you can empathize with others on a soul level, not in a comparison way, but in a "I see you and I get it" kind of way.

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I'm sharing more of my story in bits and pieces when I feel the need to do so, because I know someone out there is fighting a battle privately. Someone is trying to make sense of the pain and struggles they never asked for. Someone is trying to understand why me... what's the lesson I'm suppose to learn here? If that is you, I want you to know this. You are still here. Your story is not finished, and there is purpose and strength in your survival.

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I came close, but I didn't die. Hallelujah. And I am choosing to live the rest of my life with intention, gratitude, paying it forward, and spreading joy alongside Otto, as his therapy dog handler. He'll help others, and me, because I still have a lot of healing to do. Piece by piece, I'll share what has shaped me over these past few years. Thank you for being here as I do.

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Kristin

Founder & President

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